I have a confession

I have a confession. Only one person in this whole entire world knows it. And she is my best friend. If anyone else knew I'd die. Don't try to get her to tell you. Don't tell here told you what it is and you tricked it our of her. Because if you knew. I would die, then probably die again. So that's what.

I finally decided to let you punks read this blog.

... So before i was just going to have this be my blog, and only I could read it (Minus a couple people)... But I've decided i'll let you read it. Yes you should feel cool, because i'm only letting friends read it. It does have personal stuff on here, so if it offends you.. too bad, nothing should be offensive on here though, so it is all good. :D

Anyways today is christmas and it has been a really fun day. I got Clothes, perfume, a jacket, a book, jewelry, lipgloss, headphones, a wireless keyboard for my iPad (Yes, i am using it right now) I also got a three barrel crimping iron, makeup, nail polish, earrings, an iTunes gift card, and a pass of all passes. Safe to say i'm pretty stoked. =D I have already had a super fun time this year for christmas break.

Normally I come home, and am just really bored the whole entire time. this year I pretty much partied the whole time. I've still kind have been bored, but you know, I don't feel like doing my homework (Reminds me how much stuff i have to turn in when i get back.) ERG Do you know how much I wish I had Lee for english? I really hate my english class, we never get anything done, so I end up having MUCHO TAREA.
So guess what? It is kind of interesting that technology is so advanced these days, i mean my parents are sitting here and they are just playing Monopoly with my dads iPhone. And to calculate how much money they have, they just set their credit card on top of the screen and it shows how many monopoly's they have. It is SO COOL! And i am sitting here typing with a keyboard, not even connected to my iPad, on an app blogging. My brothers also got a game that you stick in your iPod touch to a gun, and your iPod touch is the screen for laser tagging. You can even connect with up to 24 players at a time. Just think in 20 years when you can just touch any surface in your house and make it into a stove, or take a picture, or chill your soda that has been left out in all of ten seconds. Imagine if we we have gone from the first PC to now the slate, or the iPad, what can we do in 100 Years (This is if the second coming doesn't come before then ;) And if they have already invented a flying car.. Yes it has been invented, although it takes up two whole lanes and looks like a small airplane, I can't even imagine what it is going to be like in a century or two. Who knows, maybe we might have flying carpets like in Aladdin.

Ninth grade. Is this some kind of joke?

This yeah has not been exactly wonderful. I have been accused of cheating, been severely ignored, been let down, been told i've let them down, been the one who makes it boring, the one who made callbacks but didn't get any parts, and the one who completely and honestly wanted a lead part in the play, but didn't get it.
 lets just say, i wish it was still last year.

When i decided that i wanted to do honors english, i was assigned a short story to write, feeling all the emotions of a struggling teenaged girl, i wrote it on bullying.  No, this is not true, i just put a lot of what i was feeling into it. Yes, be warned, it is sad, but its how i felt.

 "Loser, loser, Shailee is a loser!"

 I could vaguely hear them chant.I rubbed my blurry, bruised eye and got up off the ground. Carefully I pulled up the leg of my brand new pants, so I would not get blood on them.  I ran to the bathroom and got some toilet paper to stop the bleeding from my nose. I washed the cuts in my hands and knees and face. The whole right side of my face was scraped up, and the wet tears that escaped my eyes stung as they met the broken skin.  I hated how mean they were to me. I heard footsteps and hurried into the closest stall. I stood against the wall, finding my legs going limp and eventually sliding down the side of the stall. I sat and cried silently not caring how dirty the bathrooms were.  I cried myself to sleep.

             'I walked down the halls. People smiled at me. I walked without a care in the world. The school hottie smiled as he waved at me. I walked into my last class of the day and smiled as I laughed and made inside jokes with people. The last bell rang, I walked to my locker and opened it finding heart-shaped notes from my friends, they had ‘Heart attacked' my locker. I smiled as I shoved them all into my bag. Thank goodness it was Friday and I could finally go home. I walked on and sat down on the bus. Jace, my crush, came and sat down next to me. “Hey Shailee, I was wondering if you would like to come to my party tonight?”
            “Sure Jace, I’d like that.” I smiled.

            “I mean, I know it is very short notice, but it would make my night if you could!I’ll give you my number and text you the address. Would that be alright?” He gushed.  I pulled out my brand new iPhone and gave it to him as he touched his digits saving them into my contacts. I took his android and put in my number saving it to the name ‘Shaiii :D’ 

            “Thank you so much, alright I guess I’ll see you tonight” He smiled as he spoke.’

            I woke up finding that I had a pile of drool at the bottom of my shirt. Disgusted with myself I walked out of the stall, and looked at my watch seeing that I had missed fifth and sixth period. The bell rang and the bathroom became overly crowded with people.I covered my face with my hand as people laughed and whispered about me. I heard one girl talking about how weak of a fight I had put up, and anger swarmed inside me. I walked to my locker finding it scribbled on with permanent marker that I’d have to clean up. I turned the lock to the right combo, opening my locker to find the shelves dripping with sticky soda the kids had poured through the slots at the top. Lucky for me, because I was used to the cruelty,I had put everything in garbage bags, and had managed to save my stuff from being ruined. I grabbed my bag, slipped on my dark grey, One Direction hoodie,and tightened the tassels so it covered my scratched up face.  I ran out to the spot I hide in. I hide there until everyone leaves. I hide so I won’t get beaten up even more. This time was different because I ran into Jace, my crush. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.” I said keeping my eyes at his shoes; I didn't want him to see what had happened to me today, although he most likely had heard about it. “You’re fine, no worries.” He took two fingers and pulled up my face to examine my face. “You know if the kids keep picking on you, you need to tell someone.”
“I can’t, they will just hurt me more.” I said as a pushed past him. “If you don’t I will!” He called as he walked onto the bus. I ran to my hideout and sat down. Tears formed in my eyes but did not escape. I pulled out my little mirror, and some more antiseptic and gauze. I yelped as the antiseptic met my cut up skin. Tears fell and I clenched my teeth together. I checked all my bruises and applied makeup to them so that mom would not be able to see. I looked down at my watch to see it was time to go. I ran all the way home not stopping. My legs hurt as I pushed pressure on them.

             I walked inside and slammed the door shut. I found myself reading the note my mom had left. She was at the hospital with my dad. He had cancer and was very sick. He was home from work to try to get better. He was scheduled to go down to St. Judes soon. I went up to my room to grab my very old iPod and plugged in my headphones. I walked to my bed where my calico, Eleanor, and snuggled up very close to her. I missed her at school. It seemed she was my only friend, the only one I could really tell my fears to. At just 14 my life was very hard for me. I probably need counseling, but my mom was trying to help my dad. At this point I have no one to care for me. I live almost like on my own. My dad is always at the hospital, and my mom is always with him, and when she is not, she is working. The few times she comes home to bring me some food, she seldom even looks at me.  But I still use makeup to cover up the cuts,scars and bruises, just in case she really sees me. I don’t want her to worry about me. I miss my old life. That life where my parents were actually home and home was cozy feeling, and my pantry was stocked full of food. But cancer is expensive, and now school lunch is my best meal of the day. Life is bare, and I feel so alone. I know my parents love me, and I know they care, but they have so many other things to think about right now.

             I walked downstairs and looked into the depleted fridge. Nothing there but some items I had bought a week ago. The song“I won’t give up” By Jason Mraz came on. I hummed quietly finding myself dancing to the music, losing myself to the rhythm of the song, but it finished all too soon and my worries, my life, came crashing back.

             I tried my homework, but when finding it very hard to finish, I quit and decided to get ready for bed. I walked up to my room and turned on all the lights.  I grabbed my towel and went to shower. I showered quickly because I did not want to think. Not thinking allowed me push on, not feel too sorry for myself. I got out, put on my pajamas and brushed my teeth. It was dark now and I ran to my room.

I got under my old and worn bed sheets, and snuggled up with my tear stained pillow. I squeezed my eyes as if I was making everything going away,but instead all of the misfortunes swirled through my head. I tried to find a beginning to the misery, and couldn't even wrap my head around it. I soon found myself fast asleep.

            I slept well into the next morning. It was almost time for lunch when my aunt stopped by to bring me some food. She told me my dad was in a worse condition than he had been before,and my mother had called her so she could stay at the hospital, but make sure I got something to eat. I ate graciously and she left. I found Eleanor, and curled up with her, I told her everything she was the only one who listened.The only one who pretended to care. I heard kids laughing outside my door. I walked out and they scattered. I grabbed my bucket, filled it with water, and picked a couple of washcloths. My arms ached as I washed off the bits of egg that were painted to my house. I sighed as I rubbed the semi dry egg. I walked over to dump out the nasty water out and found some toilet papering had been done in the nearest tree. I threw down the bucket and started pulling at the strands of toilet paper. I finished all that I could reach and went back inside.To get my mind off of things I started cleaning the house. I found myself still cleaning as it became dark. I again got ready for bed, and soon went to sleep.

            It was now Sunday.Sunday, the day I sleep. I slept in a long time, I slept even past lunch. When I woke up I felt groggy and gross. I headed toward the shower, and went to eat something. I started doing some of my late work and finished almost all of it. That was most of my day. My days were boring and full of pain, but better then school days. I dreaded school days and often skipped because I did not like my school, my parents did not give me any incentive to stay in school, and my school just called my parents, so it wasn’t too big of deal. When I went, I tried to stay by Jace, He was the only one who didn’t pick on me or judge me. As I went to bed again, I felt nervous and sick for tomorrow. School was just wretched.

            I woke and pulled my hair up into a ballerina bun. I stuck some clothes on and tucked my jeans into my boots. I reluctantly headed off for school. Once I arrived, I grabbed a garbage bag out of my backpack and covered everything that was in my backpack,I walked over to see a sick joke. Someone had taped “R.i.p Rest in pieces” signs all over my locker. They had drawn a dead guy and another man looking like he was chopping the dead guys head off. I screamed as I saw it and fell to the ground. Shaking and trembling I came to the reality that my father could die any minute. I cry harder knowing how weak I look. People were so cruel. I couldn’t take it anymore. I banged my head against the locker. I buried my face into my hands and sobbed. I heard someone taking off the taped pictures, and spraying water to clean off the drawn picture. They sat down next to me.“Shailee, I'm sorry this happened. Will you come talk to your counselor with me?” It was Jace. I looked up at him. He took a tissue and wiped off my running mascara. He truly was my only friend. “No, I can’t Jace.” “You know what shai?You have been strong for too long. Its time you go get some help. No more worries. Come with me?” He grabbed my hands and pulled me up. He used his jacket sleeve to wipe the rest of my tears away. “You just ruined your jacket,you know.” I said wiping my eye. “It doesn’t matter. I'd ruin the whole jacket for you. You are way more important than a jacket.” I wanted to cry with joy,he actually said I was important? I never knew I meant anything to anyone. Mid-hallway, I just grabbed him and hugged him. He hugged me back. I never wanted to let go, someone actually cared for me. He looked at me sentimentally and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Shailee, I would have loved to get this problem solved long ago if you would have let me.” “Jace, I don’t understand why you are doing this.” He grabbed my hand and we continued walking to the principal’s office. “Because shai, I do it because I like you.” I smiled and tears of joy came.  Somebody cared. That moment, I realized no matter how hard life is, my life was going to be Okay. 

Perfect mate.

As I have been writing a perfect mate paper at school, I have found that I have come up with exactly what I want. I decided 6ft 2inches tall, dark wavy hair with natural highlights. Dark skin. Emerald green eyes. Perfect eyebrows and moisturized lips. Six pack, and very fit. SUPER ATRACTIVE. Good at all sports, especially basketball and football. Plays trumpet guitar piano and drums, loves to model. Works at Nordstrom and owns H&M. Makes bank. Rich, but not cocky from it. Amazing cook. Loves to travel, and take pictures. Voice like Harry styles. Italian dressing( my code words for dressing very well.) and smells good. Plus a fun accent. I had it all planned out. My friends agreed with me, on him being just an attractive sounding guy. We even named him Hayden Kofferd. But as I thought about it, I couldn't care less about him fitting the priority, besides a couple of things (like being attractive, and being an attractive dresser) I just want a boy who is strong in the gospel, and who respects me and loves me. I just want a boy who will love me for who I am, and only try to better me, but not change me. I want someone who will take time out of their day to go and buy me my favorite kind of flowers, or someone who will surprise me with cute things. I want someone who I can have a cute relationship with. I just want someone who will love me as much as I love them <3



... And maybe someone like one direction.